Boundaries… considered one of the most elusive and mythical therapy concepts.

The conversation around boundaries is always a tough one because everyone seems to have a unique relationship with them based on their family background, where they currently are in life, and how setting boundaries has gone for them in the past. No shocker to any of us, I don’t tend to work with a lot of people who have a healthy relationship with boundaries and this is exactly who this post is written for.

A lot of the work I do with my clients is navigating how to identify a need for a boundary, set it, and hold it. Boundaries can be scary for a lot of people because they can drastically change how they interact with people and how they treat and view themselves. I’d be willing to bet that over 90% of the time I ask a client who is processing a dysfunctional dynamic with someone, “Is it time to set a boundary with them?” They look at me bewildered and say, “Well I don’t want to cut them off!” It’s easy to see how within an average person the feelings around boundaries also include language of shame and selfishness. Boundaries are not something to be ashamed of, nor are they selfish, they are life-preserving and healthy. As I talk about boundaries, you’ll see some highly technical visual aids that I have made from my advanced knowledge of graphic design. Please save your laughter for the end.

Let’s talk about how to identify a need for a boundary. This part is identified as the flowing river. Things have progressed this way in a largely natural way over time. It is the understood flow of how you interact with people or jobs and if we leave this river alone, nothing changes.

I want you to think about a person/job/circumstance either in your past or present where you are constantly stressed out about this relationship and it does not feel reciprocal. You’re left feeling as if you’re the only one engaging or giving while the other person seems to be taking either by asking for more or by demanding more. Things about this relationship make you sacrifice your own needs and ask you to give up things in your life, whether it be time, money, emotional bandwidth, etc. If someone were to bring up this person/job/circumstance, would it stress you out and leave you feeling like you could vent endlessly for an hour? Do you avoid this relationship or start to hold anger or resentment? If yes to any of this, it’s time to set a boundary. It’s time to redirect the flowing river.

Once we have identified the need for a boundary, it’s time to think about what exactly needs to change. Do you need a different way of communication? Do you need to see energy and effort poured back into you? Do you need time and space? Once you’ve decided what boundary you need to set, it’s time to talk about the boundary you’re instilling. During this conversation you’re metaphorically placing a wall within that river, stopping all flow. The purpose of a boundary is to stop the behavior that is dysfunctional towards you. You’ll likely not receive a great response as boundaries force people to deal with the uncomfortable reality that they’re making someone feel bad. However, this work pays off in the end and benefits all parties involved.

Here’s where boundaries really suck, the hardest part hasn’t even happened yet. The hardest part of setting a boundary is holding it. People’s reactions to your boundaries will vary from acceptance to overwhelming rejection of you and your boundaries. People who are unhappy with your boundary will try and push that new boundary through guilt shaming, love bombing, or even engaging in the behavior 10 times more intensely. If we use the imagery that I’ve created, a river will not automatically redirect just because something is in its way. The river may begin to pool up, or flood. This is where you are emotionally feeling the most pressure and most likely to drop that boundary, letting everything come flooding back in. “Holding” a boundary may look different depending on the need or circumstances but you can hold a boundary by taking a break from interacting or repeating the boundary as needed until the behavior changes. The good news is, if you do the hardest part and hold the boundary, things get easier. Eventually, the river has to find a new direction to flow.

Over time, the river finds a new way to flow. The people or dynamics in your life recognize that their efforts to break your boundary aren’t working and/or that their energy could be better spent elsewhere. A few wonderful things can happen here. 1. You could have potentially saved the relationship, if you continued without a boundary you likely would have grown so resentful that you may have blown up or just left altogether. 2. You prioritized your mental health by removing or adjusting a stressor. 3. You showed someone how you want to be treated instead of accepting any treatment regardless of care or consideration. Obviously, the list could go on but I think those are wonderful potential results. We start to rest easy in the fact that at least for now the river has been redirected.

If you want to talk to me more about about boundaries, how to identify them, or how to set them, reach out to me to schedule a free 15 minute consultation!

Stephanie Townsend, LMSW, CCTP, ART Practitioner